You're earring is so big in my mouth
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
