I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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