I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
