She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
