Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
