Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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