a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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