He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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