She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
