Need sex. Gaining weight.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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