i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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