I'm so fucking centered right now
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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