he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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