I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
