I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
