Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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