It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
