I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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