Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
