from now on my penis is your penis
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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