My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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