I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He shit in the fireplace
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
