We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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