Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
operation have a gay friend backfired
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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