he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
