I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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