You were right. It hurts to walk today.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
