He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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