I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
