is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
