One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
