I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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