im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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