i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
