do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
