So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
