The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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