I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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