i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
