I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
