I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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