Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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