Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
