"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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