Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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