dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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