Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
