new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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