i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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