Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
