Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
