Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
