If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
