Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
