So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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