If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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