I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
