Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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