Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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